Though I have tried to put together some thoughts for writing this blog, for some reason the words just haven’t come very easily. Maybe it is because there hasn’t been a whole lot of time TO put any thoughts together. Maybe it’s the ‘pregnancy brain’ that I could blame it on. But as I sat down to write this post, I realized that I had no words because I really hadn’t taken the time to listen. No one I’m sure would argue that our lives are crazy right now. Maybe if we just had one thing to focus on, like moving to another country to focus on, but there is oh so much more than that, that is pulling our minds, thoughts, and especially our hearts in that direction. When the one direction all of those things NEEDS to be is above. Focused on Jesus as He is the whole reason we do what we do. Why do I so often forget it. Why is it that it is when I no longer can manage, no longer can focus, no longer can find words that I run to Him? Maybe it’s arrogance, maybe it’s time, maybe it’s just another excuse. I haven’t found words because I haven’t sought the person that can give them to me. The One who can help me organize my thoughts and emotions that surround leaving the States and returning back to Ecuador. We talk so frequently in churches and with individuals about Ecuador. We talk about going back, our ministries, our friends and how we long to be there. We do. Honest. But right now there are so many directions the our hearts are pulled. I don’t know that I will be able to fully articulate where we are emotionally, at least where I am emotionally at this point when I think about returning to Ecuador. It wasn’t so long ago that we were pulled in multiple directions as well thinking of returning to the States from Ecuador…
So, we find ourselves between there and here, once again, but flip flopped from the last time. One part so frantically wants to get to Ecuador that I sometimes don’t want to worry about packing and I just want to be on the plane. Some days I start to think of what we are leaving, our families, our friends, our churches. We don’t know what the future holds and we don’t know how these decisions we make now will impact things in the future. But do we ever? I think a lot of the kids in Cayambe and in Ecuador. Those that have no place to go right now, those who don’t feel safe, that have nothing to eat, that have no one to love them and I think “THAT is why we are going.” So, you may wonder what missionaries go through when they go from one country to another, leaving their passport country and going to their country of service. This is it I guess. It’s not clean cut, it’s messy, just like life in general. It’s hard. It sometimes leaves us speechless (not easy to do). But is it worth it? Absolutely. Because if we were doing anything else, we wouldn’t be doing what God has called us to.
Our hearts are heavy, we are tired, some days I wonder how Joel finds the time and especially the energy to do all he is doing. We are heavy laden with burdens. Please pray for us. But know that we are seeking God, we are reaching for Him and clinging to Him to bear what we can’t. We need peace and rest, both of which come from Him.
Of course, since I draw near to God through music, I have a song by one of my favorite artists, Kari Jobe. It’s simple, but so pure and so true.