The Delp Details

Saturday, April 28, 2012

A time to...

As some of you may have viewed my facebook page, you may have realized I was struggling.  Well, you would be right.  I was not in the best of places last week for sure.  As I was thinking of what to title this blog post, I thought of the verses in Ecclesiastes 3:

There is a time(A) for everything,
    and a season for every activity under the heavens:
    a time to be born and a time to die,
    a time to plant and a time to uproot,(B)
    a time to kill(C) and a time to heal,
    a time to tear down and a time to build,
    a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance,
    a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
    a time to search and a time to give up,
    a time to keep and a time to throw away,
    a time to tear and a time to mend,
    a time to be silent(D) and a time to speak,
    a time to love and a time to hate,
    a time for war and a time for peace.

This week was difficult because on Sunday of last week, we realized we were not pregnant.  Yes, we have been trying to have another baby for about 9 months now.  Originally we decided we wanted to have another child before we left Ecuador to come back to the States in November.  We realized a couple of months ago that that was not going to happen.  We kept trying and eventually went to see a doctor.  After 3 months there she recommended a specialist.  So, for the last month we have been seeing a specialist (what felt like every other day) with medicines and shots.  The doctor said that everything was looking good for us to get pregnant last month.  As of Sunday, we realized we weren't.  For most people this wouldn't be that big of a deal-you just keep trying.  However, for us it was a big deal because this was basically the last month I could get pregnant.  Let me explain....
In January of 2013, I will hopefully be starting a job in the States-gaining experience as a Nurse Practitioner for the time we are in the States.  If I had gotten pregnant last month, the baby would have been due in December.  However, any time past that would be going into the work time in the States.  
Joel and I had talked about this possibility, but I never thought it would be a reality that we wouldn't have gotten pregnant by now.  I was thinking by now that we would be well along in the pregnancy, but it is just not what happened.  This last week was a grieving week for me.  Praise the Lord that I have had people around me that are understanding, patient and loving as well as friends who have been faithfully praying for me during this time.  I really didn't want to make this hugely public, but Joel and myself thought it might help me to write about it since it has been difficult to put into words how I am feeling.
Yes, I admit I have been angry as well as questioning "WHY GOD?"  Or maybe better "Why NOT GOD?"  I know in my head that God has a plan, that HIS ways are higher than mine and that there is a TIME for everything.  This week has been trying to help my heart understand what my head knows.  Knowing it doesn't make it easier to come to terms with, but it does give me peace.  Knowing that God knows better.


Well, what we have decided is this month we are going to try to get pregnant-without doctors, without medicine, without anything but God.  We know that if it happens and we do get pregnant that it is nothing short of a miracle and that God is the ONLY one that can make it happen.  If it doesn't happen and we don't get pregnant, we will move on in this time in our lives, knowing that God has something different for us for THIS time.  Not that that will be easy, but we know for sure it will be God.  

So, I know how I WANT to pray.  Of course I want a baby.  But I am getting closer and closer to wanting MORE what God has.  I say that because it's not easy to give up something you want.  I am being brutally honest with myself in that I am not quite there yet.  God IS working and I know He has been with me through everything and more importantly, I know He is GOOD and He is FAITHFUL in working our lives for HIS good.  Pray with us during this month, that God's will will be done...

1 comment:

The Wellspring said...

Hi Kim - I'm so sorry that your heart is grieving. We went through undiagnosed secondary infertility after Simon was born. Nobody else came along, thus opening the door for Ana Banana to become part of our family. We have never looked back. :) May your heart feel peace with whatever your future holds. <3